Sephiroth And The Epic Donut
by The Almighty Mian
Summary: When Aerith succeeds in coaxing Sephiroth into eating a donut, well, we'll see.


HELOOOOOSHINESS!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Final Fantasy franchise, Final Fantasy VII, or any of the characters and people involved in its production, because if I did Sephiroth would be helluva lot more nekkid.

And again, various lame puns are scattered all over here. Example: Seph uses Minerva's name in vain, and the shop names, and the one about infantrymen, because policemen always eat donuts, and infantrymen are like policemen, right? XD

I hope no one gets offended by anything I write in here. Not that anything was offensive on purpose.

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_O__uch, _Sephiroth thought as he rubbed his eyes. He looked at his scarred fingers, reminiscing the time he'd completely wasted himself on the internet. _Waking up in the Lifestream with Aerith's Theme playing on Digital Surround Sound is one thing, but waking up a month later from a coma is hell. _In fact, Sephiroth had only woken up a few days ago, and Zack and Aerith filled him in.

_"Your fingers were bleeding bad," _Aerith had told him.

_"A-and you stank worse than Ifrit's cro_― _Aerith that hurtsss__,"_ Zack said, or at least tried to, through fits of hysterical laughter, right before Aerith whacked him on the head for "vulgarities".

_Minerva, _Sephiroth mentally cussed. He got up and strode toward the flower bed.

"This is real good," he heard Zack say.

"I always had these at Elmyra's," Aerith said.

_Hmm… I wonder what they're talking about, _he thought as he approached the pair. They had their backs to him.

_It seems they're… eating?_

"Hello, Zack, hello, Aer― _aah!" _Sephiroth screamed.

Aerith laughed. "It's the hair, right?" Mortified, Sephiroth nodded.

Both Aerith and Zack were wearing insane hairstyles, surpassing even Cloud's or Reno's. Aerith's long, curly brown hair had been put in rows of braids across her scalp and down her back, while Zack's had been braided into a spiky pompom.

"What, you don't like it?" Zack tried to say through hysterical laughter (again). "Aerith taught me how to braid. I got carried away. Can I braid your hair, Sephiroth?" He said the last three sentences very fast.

"NO FRIGGIN' _WAY!"_ Sephiroth yelled. The he cleared his throat, regained composure, and said, "I mean… absolutely not."

"Aww… why not?"

"Nothing touches my hair except for me and Shinra shampoo."

"But your hair is so long, and silky, and lush…"

"NO."

"Come on, Seph, your locks are perfect for braiding, come on, please...!"

"I said no, Zack," Sephiroth said firmly and dismissively.

"Ohh…" Zack grunted angrily. "Fine. Why dontcha grow a heart?" And at that he turned around, slammed his (a. fine b. very fine c. DANG _FIIINNNEEE_!) ass on the floor and sat in a position so tight that it seemed like he wouldn't move for the next hundred years.

"He's been braiding everyone's hair," Aerith said, laughing. As if to prove her statement, a couple of kids passed by, all sporting their respective braid-based hairstyles. "He said he wanted to braid Cloud's hair, if that were even possible…"

"Never mind that," Sephiroth said. "What are you eating?"

"Donuts!"

"Ew. Those repulsive rings of carbs and sugar and fat?"

"Hehe… well, yeah."

"I'm disgusted," Sephiroth said, turning away.

"Hey… hey, hey, hey, what? Wait!" Aerith said, running after him.

"I said, I'm disgusted."

"So… you've never eaten a donut before?"

"Only pure organic products of the Shinra Company, and occasionally a few genetically-enhanced dishes, enter _this _mouth."

Aerith shook her head sadly and understandingly, looking a lot like a shrink. "Ohh… that's so sad."

Sephiroth was caught off guard. "What? How am I supposed to be sad about not eating fat wads of dough?"

"It's like you're a little kid who's never been given a toy before."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, Sephiroth, just try it, please? You're gonna love it, I swear."

"I'm not supposed to eat sugar!" He turned to leave.

"Sephiroth!" Aerith yelled as she ran after him. "Please, try it! You don't know what you're missing out on!"

"The last time I tried something I've been 'missing out on', I woke up a month later bleeding from my fingers!"

"But this is not _like_ the internet! Donuts are really good, but I've never met anyone who's gone psycho-obsessive over donuts!"

Sephiroth looked at the pale pink donut in Aerith hand hesitantly, considering. "Nobody? Not even…" _Psychos?_

"Yes, not even gluttons, or fat people! Uh… actually… I've seen Rufus Shinra go over it once when I was imprisoned two years ago… don't know how he managed to stay so thin after _that_... and he even managed to fight Cloud... and ride a helicopter without puking... but anyway, donuts are just a guilty pleasure, not a social networking site! And only infantrymen eat that much a day! You're a SOLDIER, the first ever, the best ever, you can handle a _donut!"_

"I suppose _one _donut won't kill me… considering I'm already dead."

And so, Sephiroth reluctantly took the donut. After sniffing suspiciously for several minutes (by several I mean about fifteen), he finally took a small bite.

His eyes shot wide open.

At that moment, a world of colors, possibilities, and happiness exploded around him. His eyes widened, looking at the hundreds of thousands of icing, sprinkles, and donut shapes around him. Sephiroth took another bite, closing his eyes, then widening them again as he chewed happily on the donut.

Aerith was more than a little perplexed by his reaction. "Uh… so, Seph, do you like it?"

Sephiroth just gaped at her, dumbfounded. Then he took another bite.

"Uh… um," Aerith said, starting to worry about Sephiroth and the expression on his usually milky white face, which was now flushing a radiant shade of pink. It was one of pure bliss. "Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth walked away slowly, still savoring every bite.

Zack hobbled over to Aerith's side as soon as Sephiroth left (he hadn't moved since his fit). "Are you worried?"

"Yeah."

"Why should you be?"

"It was… that look on his face. It looked psychotic."

"What, you think he'll get addicted to donuts?" Zack said, clearly amused at how paranoid Aerith was.

"If you saw that look on his face, Zack, that little glint in his eyes just then, my theory wouldn't be as crazy as you think."

"Relax, Aerith. It's fine. Only a complete psycho would be so crazy to actually overload on _donuts_, so just―" Zack stopped short, his eyes widening as his face twisted in realization, then in shock, then in fear, and then in worry. "Oh God… he _is _a complete psycho."

And at that they broke into a sprint. They passed the small deli café called _Lifecream_ and heard people yelling, "WHERE ARE MY *beep*ING DONUTS?"

They looked at each other worriedly and started running again.

They screeched (literally) to a stop at the bakery (the _Piestream_).

"Have you… gasp… seen… gasp… a guy… w-with long hair and…" Aerith panted.

"And a long sword with numerous donuts impaled on it?" the chubby, mustachioed baker said.

"Pant… yeah…" Zack said through deep breaths.

"He went thatta way."

"Pant… thank you…" And they set off again.

"Zack, look!" Aerith suddenly yelled, grabbing her companion's arm. Zack bent down to look at what she was pointing at.

"What is it, Aerith? What are y… Bread crumbs? We gotta find him, fast!"

And they finally did. Or at least they thought they did.

"Is… that… really him?" Aerith mumbled in horror.

"Can't be."

Sephiroth lay unconscious on the white floor covered in and surrounded by what seemed to be half-eaten donuts, his green eyes staring blankly up. And he was FAT. Fatter than both Don Corneo and President Shinra put together. WAY fatter.

With a great amount of strength and perseverance, they finally managed to drag Sephiroth's flabby blob of a body to the flowerbed.

"This is… even worse than my SOLDIER training…" Zack panted after they had set the jiggly blob that was Sephiroth down.

After three weeks of not eating anything (as he was unconscious) Sephiroth woke up, completely devoid of flab and with eye bags drooping all the way down to his perfect cheekbones. He rubbed his eyes and shook his numb body. Jenova's cells are really useful for getting rid of numbness. He stood and smelled himself. He smelled like flowers; he really needed a bath. Plus, he felt like smelling like vanilla today.

Grabbing a comb from a nearby table, he quickly started running his hair through, but somehow the comb couldn't penetrate his hair.

_What the hell? My hair can't be that tangled…_

And as he swung his hair over his shoulder to observe, his face twisted in horror at what he saw.

Thousands of silver braids.

-fin-

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Hello againess!

Thank you thank you to UnderdogAngel, Yue Saiseki, and animecookiefairy for reviewing my previous story. They all know I have a bad habit of repeating my thank yous. And if you review (*w* phweesh?), you will too!

This fanfic was inspired by this picture: http:/njoo. deviantart. com/art/Final-Fat-assy-Sephiroth-72089178

Credits to nJoo!

Answer key: C.

Thank you for reading, and please, leave a review!

To anyone who noticed, I shortened the author's notes. Because I realized I too am scared by fics that have very long author's notes.


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